Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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