i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
