I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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