So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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