my mouth tastes like poor choices
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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