now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize