I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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