He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Randomize