Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
