So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
