Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
