How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Randomize
