i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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