Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize