I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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