We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
