i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
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