Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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