I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
