my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
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