We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
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