True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize
