So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
be right there i have to get my cape
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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