Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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