Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
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