; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
