Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
