How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Randomize
