She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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