How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
