did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
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