You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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