Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
