guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize