I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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