I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
