She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
