Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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