I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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