wrigley field is MILF paradise
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
