Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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