I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Randomize