If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize