dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
