I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I'm too high and old for this...
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize