my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
