So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
