you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
