So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
