i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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