He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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