insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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