what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I will be naked everywhere
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
